Inferno Within
I know I wrote that I buried the hatchet with Cochon but the more I think about it, my decision looked no where near mature, let alone logical. The wound is just too raw. Staying friends may make me look I moved on and be cool as Yolanda but I know for the fact staying in contact's just going to eat me inside out. And that is not the mature thing to do. Hurting yourself is the dumbest thing you could ever done to yourself. I might sound nonsensical but I can't deal with this seed of dumb false hope horseshit the devil planted in me.
The core of our friendship has been compromised by our stupid impulsive decisions. Two different occasions showed me I can't trust being around with him. I understand whilst it is also my responsibility to make a difference but for someone who had intended to be just friends right from the beginning should not have done whatever he did. He also managed to make me feel at fault on how my looks fueled his decisions.
Just this one thing I absolutely ABSOLUTELY hate about life right now is that the moment I found my courage to go out and try again, shit smacked at my face in split second before I know it and actually react.
That is not fair, God. You need to stop doing this to me. Fuck that shit about me needed to learn more. The lesson's been going on way too long. I've always told myself You were with me all the way no matter what when the fact is I couldn't feel Your presence at all. I'd really like to take a break from You. You confuse the shit outta me. You know I tried. You know I really tried my fucking best.
Oh Happy Chinese New Year.
Rae wrote @ 01:15
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Life Doesn't Come with Instructions
Friday the 13th Bad Luck decided to leave my ass alone. My Friday the 13th was great. I braved myself to Werner's alone. I had too much beers and the bartenders were so generous providing me a free and steady flow of shooters seeing I was alone at the bar. I left my cocky ass somewhere back home and strike up random conversations, meeting great people along the way; great girls to be exact. They, being lesbians, fended off sleazy guys for me. Another 'I surprise myself'! Hitting the bar alone takes quite bit of courage and luck! Just so you know, I'm not turning lesbian.
I need to rise above hate. I told myself not to get dragged down by things that sucked balls like I used to. I'm trying get done being pissed at the recent guy, let's call him
cochon (tribute to his 2nd language. Not referring to his physical/attitude... pigs are cute, aren't they?) and be in good terms with him. One grudge off so with all the stupid stuff's behind my back, I'm ready to sail ahead.
Saturday was also another different day too, I helped out in an orphanage event at
camp 5 which actually kind of contributed to my 'a couple of new things to learn in 2012 list'; indoor rock climbing.
I totally photobombed this shot. LOL. Honestly I was trying my best to stay awake and fight the hangover though in this photo I was probably watching a group of guys doing the freestyle spiderman thingamajig; they called it bouldering.
I had no absolute idea what to begin with my list this year to be honest. I failed miserably last year; I didn't learn ice-skating as planned. The desire just wasn't there. The only thing I managed to do was learning Japanese.
I hope I can keep up with it this year. A 30 minute-kickboxing last week 'inspired' by cochon was great but kickboxing was just too expensive. I was a bit cautious when I found out the trainer assigned to me was a girl but turned out she has extensive experience in martial arts... need I say more? She's awesome.
I also met a friend who shares similar interests and she too has just went through something similar to my experience with cochon. We spent a couple of hours talking about our 'predicaments' and it really does feel great talking to someone who understands. Hopefully it's a start to a long-lasting friendship.
I will try to remember a few important things MCP told me before. First and foremost, always keep myself fit. My journey in this life is still very long. And also, the keyword for me this year is courage. So when I falter and forget that along the way in this year, please be a good samaritan and pick me up and remind me to be courageous.
Rae wrote @ 00:42
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Bad Vibes
I must have picked up some weird ass wrong vibes somewhere along the way because bad (but minor) things are happening back to back.
It seems this year kicked start in the opposite direction. Ok just so you know I'm drunk-blogging right now from a bar I always frequent whenever I'm at Changkat BB.
It was really relaxing French music half an hour ago and it's r&b mainstream all the way. Yeah. You should be here!
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Rae wrote @ 22:30
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He Said, She Said
Honestly, I don't really know how to start this post.
A very VERY recent DTR taught me lessons I thought I already knew. Signs were there but I chose to challenge them. He and I had our own sets of things to justify and it was a lesson to both of us. Usually, I'd have stayed quiet and say bye bye, avoiding the confrontation and I wasn't really given the chance to talk it out. But this time I made myself vocal and clear. I'll give him credit for letting me to do so. I'm not going to ride on that hell called depression again. He was surprised to know how upset I was and the reason why. Re-reading that talk on whatsapp (I chose to be this way instead of dinner we initially planned. I sorta knew what was coming my way so why bother doing it during dinner plus I communicate better this way) made me look like I was this typical girl I didn't want to be. All the while I tried to be one of the boys who played it cool and made it feel as if didn't matter but I guess I'm not one of the boys. Trying to be one made me suicidal. I'm a girl so I'll be a girl. This time, although I might have sounded a little selfish (he probably thinks I was not making sense along the way but fuck that. I took too much care on how people think of me anyway), I felt better.
Many fingers pointed to me that I made the mistake by hooking up too early and despite me thrashing that statement two posts ago, I almost fell into the trap until MCP told me this: even if you slept with him a few months down the track, it wouldn't have made a difference to him unless his outlook on what he wants in life had changed.
So there. It'll take me a while to take up his friendship offer and not that I am mean, I probably won't at all. I have to put myself in priority.
On a positive side, I realised how ready I am for the ultimate. I surprised myself for going all the way for the former guy, something that I don't think I would have done. Neil Gaiman did tell us to surprise ourselves somewhere in the year in his new year quote. Guess what, I did just that and it feels great (even though the outcome sucked balls).
Rae wrote @ 01:07
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We Run the Night
Yes it's my style to run the night. Looking at the stats, it's quite something though I'm pretty sure I could do much better than that. I always falter in the end, a bad habit that I should really work on. Plus the location of my gym isn't exactly desirable; having to have to brave two traffic jams makes me go "let's go home and watch The Big Bang Theory,".
Of course you can't really rely on these stats... you know what happened to the bloody sensor in 2010. LOL.
Having to return to work after a 10-day-leave cultivating mushrooms (aka doing nothing) at parents' house, my staff was shocked to see me grew skinnier. Well, can't blame them cos who the heck would lose weight after a considerably long holiday at home doing nothing, right!? Beats me too but I suspect the culprit being those 2 night outs of dancing; zouk and NYE. Great workout. I notice I lose weight easily with regular night outs of dancing. Great, now I have to find partner-in-crime to do that. The last one, Sherri, has gone upnorth to serve her housemanship in some rural hospital. Sigh. Though it's odd to have bumped into her (was that new boyfriend??) at the club during Deepavali. Hmmm....
Rae wrote @ 13:58
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Reverse Flow
One of biggest mistakes a girl make with a guy according to the internet is that she sleeps with him too soon. I think it's a whole lot of horseshit. Who came up with it anyway!? It's a real horseshit that I feel men pin it up on women when they just want to get away from their actions.
Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, and then blame them for having sex. They're particularly held onto the idea that if a woman jumps into bed with them quickly then she must have done this with lots of other men too, making him lower her value in his eyes. After all, if everyone could get her, she can't be that special, right?
It doesn't matter if it's 2nd date or the 15th date when you decide to sleep with him. If he's Barney Stinson, he's gonna leave you anyway in the end. So it's not wrong for me to say sometimes sleeping with guys 'too soon' isn't bad. The whole process/journey of getting heart broken will be in fact be shortened. If he stays, he stays.
Oh do let me point out that the first 'mistake' on that article was 'we chase them'. What the heck is that!?
Rae wrote @ 23:01
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Leaving 2011
Recapping year 2011, it was a year with moderation as the keyword. Ok it wasn't as exciting I'd wanted it to be nevertheless, it was a safe no-drama-llama year and it ended pretty nicely.
1. Significantly reduced my trips to the gym hence weight gain. Ain't proud of it.
2. Was 'adventurous' in baking and cooking. Tried many new recipes and even experimented in Japanese home-cooking.
3. Won a RM1500 cash voucher from company's D & D lucky draw.
4. Got called up by DJ Natalie from Hitz.fm and was told that I won some lucky draw sponsored by Sunway Pyramid Mall. The conversation was aired live on national broadcast. Huhuhu.
5. Expanded my book collection incredibly.
6. Got hooked on The Big Bang Theory.
7. Traveled solo to Sabah. Loved it. Will highlight that I was hit on by a very old man when I was visiting Gomantong Cave (where the bird nests pickers thought I was a Japanese...); he asked for my number.
8. Dated a Black British man briefly. I find him too
rude straight-forward.
9. It's the big 30!
10. Went to a musical for the first time.
11. Purchased a car.
12. Fell out of love with Apple iPhone.
13. Took up Japanese language class.
14. Attended my first Malaysian rave; Heineken Thirst. They made us queue, for entry, according to the gender. WTF.
15. Became lactose-intolerant - this is absolutely horrendous.
16. Was quite successful in cutting down happy drink intake. I stuck to my 2011 resolution!
17. Visits to doctor noticeably increased; culprit being bad toxic food, not my tonsils.
Not a great year but it wasn't bad year too. Look forward to a better year. You guys have a good year too.
Rae wrote @ 18:36
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The core of our friendship has been compromised by our stupid impulsive decisions. Two different occasions showed me I can't trust being around with him. I understand whilst it is also my responsibility to make a difference but for someone who had intended to be just friends right from the beginning should not have done whatever he did. He also managed to make me feel at fault on how my looks fueled his decisions.
