Because Rae Says So

Just when I thought God didn't want you enter in my life, you appeared in front of my eyes like in the movies.
But from there I was catapulted into a spiral of deceit and infidelity. I vowed to myself not to let you rock my boat violently like the last time. Heck you rocked it gently but consistently that it's making me vulnerable. Those words you said were so convincing that I was tempted to believe but I can't be falling for the same trick again.
I hate how you operate at this time. It scares me to see what sort man you are turning into. Vindictive isn't the way of life.
One told me before that I'm the person who see every event as a lesson to be learned. I'm trying to figure what this reconnection means. I need to be strong.

The surroundings brought back memories. That bench where you whispered sweet nothings. That corridor where I swayed like a lady. The dress that I wore that night. The dress that I loved but I threw it away because you said I looked good in it.
I remembered how young and reckless I was back then. I remembered how stuck I felt at that time. And I remembered how I survived all the shit with my head held high. Now, where is that girl? The free-spirited girl of mettle. I had her when I had nothing back then. But I lost her when I had everything. I decked on good things but I became ugly inside.
I really missed that girl I used to be. I need her back again.
Man... what a bleak entry. Ending it with a nice picture of my diy modern french mani. I'm getting better at it. :) Ok maybe that middle finger looked a bit crappy.

I'm currently having a fierce fight of faith and everything else here. Stuck in a quandary, there's nothing much to do but pray and think of a plan B. It really makes me think why was I born into this world. I've been trying to get a hold of things again but God gives me a challenge after another. I was told I was gonna have a tough time during my late twenties but I never knew it was gonna be this tough.
I believe I've paid my dues but like someone I know said before, the consequences are going to linger a little longer.
Months ago, I had a serious hung-up of this particular person who impacted my life tremendously. It was also a self-created roller coaster of extreme emotions. I had and sometimes still have feelings that it's not over yet. Call me crazy but there is a connection. There is something, I recognised mine but he didn't, or maybe he refused to. I don't know. I was ready to take the plunge and he wasn't but I understand why. He has a few things on his plate that he's responsible of. He embraced the complexities of his very existence and accepted who and what he is. Despite his differences, I still regard him highly to a certain extent and I would not want to be the catalyst.
Someone random asked my why be an option when someone else can make you the priority and question marks formed in my head. It became an epiphany that changes the way I view relationships.
Now the thing is that I lost my courage along the way. I'm too scared to make decisions for myself cos I've made so many stupid decisions that screwed my life up. Somehow I have to make myself ready to stand up again. I need to find that courage again and gather help there is for me.
He gave me the chance but I refused because it was a right thing to do at that time. But here I am again and after all the things, I definitely deserve another chance.
Past weeks here revealed me not all that, I finally recognised the importance of acceptance. You see, there were these two cousins whom I met a couple of years ago. I had nothing much of a negative impression of them somehow though none was showed, I could feel it wasn't the same on the other side. Not that I was a saint but I had another battle of faith to fight at that time so I didn't have time to think about it. Negative words were said, well, I'm a human and I'm not stupid. I'm bound not to be liked by someone. They would have thought that I was a loser and all. Chatters, despite harmless, were there about me. Things told discreetly to one were shared among the rest and they became another story. I had difficulties accepting that but hey, words were already said. I blamed myself for choosing the wrong person to confide in. That taught me a big lesson. I learned how to keep my damn mouth shut. I also learned the importance of being somebody. From then on, I worked hard. I worked damn hard to be who I was back then.
As years went by and when I reached a position where I was, things changed. Perhaps people get mature and they had the chance to understand more about me, we became friends. Things didn't go well between them this time. The thing is that I was inclined to one than another and the 'another', truth be told, was a conspicuous consumer/drama queen/major show-off/queen control whom I secretly had little patience with, I lashed out my inner bitch. I indulged in many online bitching sessions. The thing is that I couldn't see the better side of her at that time and didn't have much chance to. But with my shit going on right now, the conspicuous consumer/drama queen/major show-off/queen control became one of my closests and has helped me in many ways tremendously. Needless to say, I feel guilty about the bitching sessions about her. I will have to admit that her conspicuous consumption/drama queen-ness/major show-offness/queen control-ness still pisses me off from time to time but it's part of her and I'm learning to accept it. I take it as a training for I'll need to learn how to accept every flaw in my people. At this time, I found my forte. I can shut my damn mouth up if I want to when secrets are shared with me and when bitching sessions are on-going.
Anyway what I wanna say is that these two cousins are beautiful in their own way but they got their foot stuck in a mudhole created by others. I really wish both of them accept each others' differences and let things be awesome again. Words are need not to be twisted. Diamond rings are need not to be compared and designer bags are need not to be showed off. We CAN live happily ever after. I think I no longer make sense. But I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

Addendum: I look forward to a wedding end of this month. :)

Conspicuous consumption: a term used to describe the lavish spending on goods and services acquired mainly for the purpose of displaying wealth or income. In a mind of a conspicuous consumer, such display serves as a mean of attaining or maintaining a social status.

Invidious consumption: refers to consumption deliberately intended to cause envy.

I'm guilty as charged on the former. Some economist dude proposed replacing income tax with progressive tax on the amount spent each year and I can't help but to agree with him.

Talking about money, do you know Iraq war was estimated to cost US$3 trillion? Now, if only US choose to spend that on Africa or Vietnam or something.

Never in my life I thought I'd be surrounded by 1200 roses, 100 amaryllis, 50 tulips, 100 hyacinthus, 100 calla lilies, 200 gerberas and 300 pompon 'mums in one single day. Since I'm like the person with most free time, I helped out a florist friend, P last week on a wedding reception and a church wedding. I found myself telling the flowers to be beautiful and make someone happy while setting up the arrangement. P claimed I sounded like a true florist.