Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The Fight of Faith
Be a positive thinker.
Become more optimistic.
Do something new or travel elsewhere.
Talk to a close friend.
I heard them all.
I applied them all.
And they all didn't work.
No one really knew what was going on with me. Perhaps they knew something was wrong but I put up too good of a facade. People wondered why hadn't I said anything. How could I? I didn't even know what it was.
For instance, I have never said this out but I hated eating alone so much that I'd skip meals. The ex had always teased me that I was just too lazy. But he never knew. How could I tell him that I hated eating alone? I didn't wanna sound crazy or clingy or desperate.
Despite dating on and off, I dealt with solitude for nearly three years now and solitude can do funny stuff to the brain. I've tried to be optimistic. I really did, just run through my archive and you'll know. But somewhere along the way and with the things that were happening, I lost control and I fucked up. A series of events fucked me up completely that I no longer know or realise what I was doing. I reflected on the last couple of months. I reflected on how I lived by at that time. It was work, home, work, home, work, home. Unknowingly, I cut all communications. I didn't talk to anyone outside work. During day offs, I'd coop myself up. There's nothing to look forward to. No phone calls. No texts. I even stayed offline on Live. Little did I know such reclusion would cost a lot.
I have major depression along with bulimia and anorexia slipping in and out depending on my mood. Good thing is that I don't starve myself anymore. Bingeing is harder to fight off though and depression is another level of battle. Sometimes I'll feel good and at times I'll just feel lousy. Real lousy that life's just better without me. I even sought a few psychics and a palmist to obtain a peace of mind. Just a couple of days ago, I sought a reiki healer and I was given a goal which I don't think I like. But that is still not enough. I had to find another way. And I found it. I found it in the house of god.
Last Saturday was the day I went to the house of god after for almost 8 years. The sermon that day was Fight of Faith for a strong congregation of 1000 but I felt like the pastor was talking to me. Just me. I knew God was trying very hard to reach out to me. He always had his hands reached out for me, I just never reach mine out. I pounded the nails into Jesus' palms and His feet with my every sin. His Son paid the price for my sins so I could be made right with the Lord.
From now on when I shed my tears, they will no longer be tears of sorrow and pain. They will be the tears to mourn the passing of my old self. Today is the day I was reborn with new faith in the Lord and Jesus Christ. Today is the day Lord Jesus Christ took my pain and my sorrow away. Today is the day that I'll put up a good fight of faith. Today is the day that I'll remember not to be the person I used to be and not to be the person without a heart. Today is the day that I start winning when faith swings like the pendulum with fear and doubt. Fear and doubt are my Goliaths but with Jesus backing me up, I'll be David. I pray in the name of Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.
Labels: The Art of Love and Relationship
Rae wrote @ 21:51
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