Wednesday, January 11, 2012
He Said, She Said
Honestly, I don't really know how to start this post.
A very VERY recent DTR taught me lessons I thought I already knew. Signs were there but I chose to challenge them. He and I had our own sets of things to justify and it was a lesson to both of us. Usually, I'd have stayed quiet and say bye bye, avoiding the confrontation and I wasn't really given the chance to talk it out. But this time I made myself vocal and clear. I'll give him credit for letting me to do so. I'm not going to ride on that hell called depression again. He was surprised to know how upset I was and the reason why. Re-reading that talk on whatsapp (I chose to be this way instead of dinner we initially planned. I sorta knew what was coming my way so why bother doing it during dinner plus I communicate better this way) made me look like I was this typical girl I didn't want to be. All the while I tried to be one of the boys who played it cool and made it feel as if didn't matter but I guess I'm not one of the boys. Trying to be one made me suicidal. I'm a girl so I'll be a girl. This time, although I might have sounded a little selfish (he probably thinks I was not making sense along the way but fuck that. I took too much care on how people think of me anyway), I felt better.
Many fingers pointed to me that I made the mistake by hooking up too early and despite me thrashing that statement two posts ago, I almost fell into the trap until MCP told me this: even if you slept with him a few months down the track, it wouldn't have made a difference to him unless his outlook on what he wants in life had changed.
So there. It'll take me a while to take up his friendship offer and not that I am mean, I probably won't at all. I have to put myself in priority.
On a positive side, I realised how ready I am for the ultimate. I surprised myself for going all the way for the former guy, something that I don't think I would have done. Neil Gaiman did tell us to surprise ourselves somewhere in the year in his new year quote. Guess what, I did just that and it feels great (even though the outcome sucked balls).
Rae wrote @ 01:07
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