Monday, January 23, 2012
Inferno Within
I know I wrote that I buried the hatchet with Cochon but the more I think about it, my decision looked no where near mature, let alone logical. The wound is just too raw. Staying friends may make me look I moved on and be cool as Yolanda but I know for the fact staying in contact's just going to eat me inside out. And that is not the mature thing to do. Hurting yourself is the dumbest thing you could ever done to yourself. I might sound nonsensical but I can't deal with this seed of dumb false hope horseshit the devil planted in me.
The core of our friendship has been compromised by our stupid impulsive decisions. Two different occasions showed me I can't trust being around with him. I understand whilst it is also my responsibility to make a difference but for someone who had intended to be just friends right from the beginning should not have done whatever he did. He also managed to make me feel at fault on how my looks fueled his decisions.
Just this one thing I absolutely ABSOLUTELY hate about life right now is that the moment I found my courage to go out and try again, shit smacked at my face in split second before I know it and actually react.
That is not fair, God. You need to stop doing this to me. Fuck that shit about me needed to learn more. The lesson's been going on way too long. I've always told myself You were with me all the way no matter what when the fact is I couldn't feel Your presence at all. I'd really like to take a break from You. You confuse the shit outta me. You know I tried. You know I really tried my fucking best.
Oh Happy Chinese New Year.
Rae wrote @ 01:15
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